The literary references were a little on the nose and there were one or two super minor tweaks I'd recommend, but overall you used the limited space to generate some fun, interesting characters with back stories, good dialog, and an interesting planet. We'll done!
The first thing is when you use the phrase "oriental Japanese profile". "Oriental" is an archaic word and one many Asian people aren't fond of as I understand it. But even if that weren't the case, it's redundant. That leaves us with "Japanese profile". Well, we know she's Japanese, so of course she has a "Japanese profile", whatever that means. Not all Japanese people look the same. So, get descriptive. What is it about her profile specifically that's beautiful? Describe her to us.
The second thing is your naming of the characters. If you called them Bob, Allie, and Mr. Fredricks I promise you we'd get it. Trust your audience a little. Writing allegory of any sort can wind up being heavy handed. Retelling a story so many people are familiar with can as well. You have enough elements once they get to the planet and start talking about their deal that I believe your readers will understand what you're trying to do.
In reading the comments, on your post, I felt the need to comment about dimensionality. We are used to thinking of God The Creator of the universe in just four dimensions, X, Y, Z, Time. But, in reality he exists in an infinite number of infinite dimensions. Some of them, like Love, friendship, power and commitment, we know a little about. But, just as we are unable to comprehend God’s extent in four dimensions, we can never, in our lives on earth conceive of the extent or power of Him.
Your work is an excellent extended metaphor, drawing on the most classic theme of all. Not sure about how one would draw a reader into any of these dimensions and add them to your characters but that could be an interesting tilt.
Gary, your comment is beautiful and has opened a window in my memory. Some time ago I read a book (I can't remember the title, I'll have to look it up) that described God in His musical dimension, starting with a mass by Giovanni Pierluigi da Palestrina. What you wrote reminded me of the concept of musical harmony as an extension of God. I must find that book again!
Thanks, Edward! I wrote the dialogue without really knowing where it was going. I had a great time, though, and I'm glad you enjoyed it. Thanks so much for the feedback!
Sometimes it’s fun to let the dialogue go where it wants too. It’s helps it feel like your listening to a real conversation rather that crafting one. :)
The literary references were a little on the nose and there were one or two super minor tweaks I'd recommend, but overall you used the limited space to generate some fun, interesting characters with back stories, good dialog, and an interesting planet. We'll done!
Thanks, Scott. Let me know what you would change, I always welcome suggestions!
The first thing is when you use the phrase "oriental Japanese profile". "Oriental" is an archaic word and one many Asian people aren't fond of as I understand it. But even if that weren't the case, it's redundant. That leaves us with "Japanese profile". Well, we know she's Japanese, so of course she has a "Japanese profile", whatever that means. Not all Japanese people look the same. So, get descriptive. What is it about her profile specifically that's beautiful? Describe her to us.
The second thing is your naming of the characters. If you called them Bob, Allie, and Mr. Fredricks I promise you we'd get it. Trust your audience a little. Writing allegory of any sort can wind up being heavy handed. Retelling a story so many people are familiar with can as well. You have enough elements once they get to the planet and start talking about their deal that I believe your readers will understand what you're trying to do.
Thanks, Scott. I'll treasure that :-)
Any time I can ever help you, let me know.
I will!
I feel like there needs to be more … well done!
Thanks, Leanne! I'm glad you liked. :-)
In reading the comments, on your post, I felt the need to comment about dimensionality. We are used to thinking of God The Creator of the universe in just four dimensions, X, Y, Z, Time. But, in reality he exists in an infinite number of infinite dimensions. Some of them, like Love, friendship, power and commitment, we know a little about. But, just as we are unable to comprehend God’s extent in four dimensions, we can never, in our lives on earth conceive of the extent or power of Him.
Your work is an excellent extended metaphor, drawing on the most classic theme of all. Not sure about how one would draw a reader into any of these dimensions and add them to your characters but that could be an interesting tilt.
I can’t wait to see where it goes.
Gary, your comment is beautiful and has opened a window in my memory. Some time ago I read a book (I can't remember the title, I'll have to look it up) that described God in His musical dimension, starting with a mass by Giovanni Pierluigi da Palestrina. What you wrote reminded me of the concept of musical harmony as an extension of God. I must find that book again!
Hello, Michael, I'm linking this tomorrow for the roundup... a very original read.
Thanks! I’m glad you liked, Mercedes.
The tension between the characters was wonderful, Michael.
The way you used the dialogue and their tones to show us so much about their relationship beyond what was actually said was really well done. :)
Thanks, Edward! I wrote the dialogue without really knowing where it was going. I had a great time, though, and I'm glad you enjoyed it. Thanks so much for the feedback!
Sometimes it’s fun to let the dialogue go where it wants too. It’s helps it feel like your listening to a real conversation rather that crafting one. :)
Yeah! I'd lost it a little, but I like to write wild :-)
Perfectly pitched. Nice job!
Thanks, Steve!